I know a lot of girls feel the same way, but....

Bridesmaid 2011. Story of my life. Truly.

So about 3 weeks ago, my mom flew to Taiwan to really catch up with her family again after 10 years. She really deserves it because it seems she really doesnt get to go back home more than once a decade. last time she went back was in 2001. She had been talking about leaving for about a year now. I've always tried to encourage her either move to SD with me or to go to Taiwan because her situation here in america is basically that of a retired single woman in her 50's. My dad and her are not divorced but they are essentially separated since they dont even live in the same household anymore. It's rather a depressing lifestyle and I could sense that she was beginning to get that way. She'd always say that she couldnt go to Taiwan because shed be abandoning our family and she couldnt move to SD because she felt she'd be abandoning my father.

Now that she has gone actually left, I actually feel abandoned surprisingly. I guess even though I've traveled a lot, Mom has always been right there and so I never felt apart from my Mom. But now that she's in Taiwan it was kind of a shock to realize that she's not here anymore. I tell myself everyday that I shouldnt be so selfish because she needs to do this but everyday i find it not so easy to suppress the urge to call her and tell her to come back to me. 

musing: like mother like daughter. i travel when i feel my life even begins to stale. My mom travels too to escape from monotony and other mundane stresses of life. She's gone to taiwan now because its depressing for her too to live a stale life. I guess now i know how she feels when I do that.

Pro @ Crastinating

It's been a while since I last posted...3.5 months?

I know i said id do daily posts about my hawaiian adventures but it's a good thing i didnt. it wouldve been me ranting about kids.

anyways ive finally decided to start posting again because clearly I have an assignment to finish tonight and i dont want to do it. duh.

so here are my musings:

there are two types of serial polygamists. there are players and then there are man sluts. man sluts try to shag everything that moves: fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, bitch, or angel. players actually have standards and are more or less in it for the pursuit. the harder the pursuit, the more excitement they derive. a player doesnt really go for the average slut.

i had more...but then i took a 20 hour nap and they all went bye bye. so im going to go bye bye.

bye bye.

parents.

so yesterday was the first day of jujitsu. the warm-ups killed me. but i think im definitely sticking to it. i feel bad for taking 2 nights off after my first lesson. but at the same time, i kind of really want to spend some time with my aunt. i also feel like i would be betraying familial obligation filial piety or 孝顺/xiao shun(i know there's an actual translation for it;nevermind, found it) if i dont see my aunt within my first week here.   i'll just ask steve to practice with me when i get back on monday.

we took a girl scout troop out to the rope course today. the staff to girl scouts ratio were ridiculous. there were 9 girl scouts and 7 of us camp counselors (AZ was hung over from last night; she's pretty lucky that the higher ups were busy with the camp director's wedding). What's even more ridiculous was that there were 7 chaperones for 9 girl scouts -_-.  parents can be so overbearingly controlling. at each of the obstacles, the girls were given the rules and told to work together to build teamwork. at every single obstacles, the parents were trying to tell the girls what to do. the good thing, though, is that they did try to remind each other to let the girls solve the obstacle on their own.

just some random musings:

i realized i'e been living a lot more healthily because i'm afraid if i live by my normal unhealthy habits, the other interns will think I'm weird.

...which brings me to my second point.

I am my own harshest critic. I judge myself harder and faster than anyone judges me because i am so afraid of what others will think of me. but at the same time, i always feel the greatest sense of accomplishment when i impress myself.

i know i have been talking a lot about my own issues almost to a pathetic, self-pitying extent and i apologize for that. I promise it'll stop soon as soon as i manage to work it out internally. Blogging about it helps me externalize it and and hopefully figure it out from an objective stand point. Eventually, I'll be able to be able to accept myself and be content with all of who I am. But for now, just bear with me :D

A few posts back, i couldn't decide whether it is better to be mentally strong and physically healthy or mentally healthy and physically strong. i figured it out last night; but i forgot again. i think i preferred being mentally strong and physically healthy. yea, that sounds about right........right??

i seem to manage to figure out which one is better late at night when i'm delirious from exhaustion. It's like my cognition is works more clearly in that state or something. probably not, haha.

Lifeguard Certified!!

yep, i am officially certified to save lives around the water. moral of the story: don't trust lifeguards. we don't know what we're doing. do not go into water unless you have someone with you who you know is a strong swimmer.

spent all of today (10am-5pm) finishing up our certification. everyone was basically passing out on the mat. I managed to what i feel like fake my way through life guard certification. I think if it came down to it, i would not have the strength to pull an unconscious person out of the water and swim them to shore to perform CPR on time.

I don't think we're going into town today unless they plan on watching pirates.

I'm going to start jujitsu today so I'll probably blog more about that later tonight. for now, gonna dl some yoga videos to do in the morning or when im bored or when im bored in the morning, finish up utility stuff, and watch some cartoons.

Day 5

Today we went to Ewa to get trained in how to take care of school age kids. We arrived what we thought was 20 minutes early. Then we wondered why the instructor was 10 minutes late only to realize that the class actually started an hour later. Shopped around the local outlet. Nothing too interesting.

During down time, I learned that Steven was only 19. Wayy too young. That basically crushed my crush over him.

I did manage to scale the medium wall finally, so yay me!

The interesting part of tonight actually happened after 9pm. I got pretty antsy with not having done much today, so I decided to go with steven to check out jujitsu. Brent had already been learning for 6 months now with this one guy who also lives onsite called The Professor. Pretty intense. He's a legitimate rifling, coralling, skinning cowboy, a naval trained physicians assistant, police officer, and a soke (a student of martial arts that have ascended to the ranks of developing his own system of jujitsu). The Professor has travelled the world and probably seen 10x more than a normal person ever would in a life time. He's like the Kahuna from Stoked.

Today was steven's first day doing jujitsu. It's pretty legit. He has to call brent senpai because brent is his senior and will be directly instructing steven under the guidance of the professor. Overall, steven was already able to physically perform most of the forms just by being athletic. That's what I want to be. I want to be fit so that my body is able and ready to do most anything given minimal instruction. I'm pretty sure I want to learn jujitsu this summer. It'll be a great way to develop physical and mental discipline. Jujitsu would be a good way to work out, condition my body, and just learn a new skill that would hopefully help me gain the confidence I am deeply in need of. Learning here and now is just as good as any other place or time if not better. Instead of paying hundreds of dollars to be instructed by a commercial teacher in a class of 10+, I would be learning directly from someone who has ascended past sensei, past grand master, past professor (which is suppose to be the highest level of instructor), and developed his own system. And all for the low cost of all the other benefits of being here.

(omg, my blogging style has gone to shit.)

Someone had once said that most people would do anything they could to save their loved one... they just dont know how to. I don't ever want to be in that position. That's why I want to become a doctor. I realize that death is inevitable; but if I could prevent it from arriving prematurely to those I care about, I want to be able to do it. The Professor has already accomplish that by being trained as a PA. But he also pointed out that the confidence in your ability protect your loved ones is like no other. He's right in that being able to protect your loved ones is just as important as being able to save them. He also knows how to feed his loved ones if it ever came down to carnal instincts and how to build a shelter for them too. I know I may never become like him and nor do I desire to. In modern society, there's also supermarkets and restaurant to buy food from and skilled craftsmen that can be hired for home repairs. But to know how to protect those I love or save them when they are injured is not something I want to delegate to others. This is something I want to be capable of doing.  This is my motivation for learning jujitsu.

I'm even more excited about this summer. Not only do I now have rock climbing to help me condition my body, I also have jujitsu. By the time summer is over, I'll have learned to interact with children and help them develop even more, to save drowning people in the pool (fingers crossed!), to live with just my basic necessities, to be self disciplined, and to defend myself or others if need be.